Breaking up

12/28

Wendy’s apartment used to bring me a warm sense of comfort. It felt like home: the sweet smell of spice; the big living room window dominated by the oak that I’ve watched change with the seasons; the open, wooden floors; and Wendy’s big, comfy bed – our sanctuary from the world. Now it all brings me sadness and a touch of pain. I am a stranger here. My heart tells me returning to Amsterdam was a mistake. As I wait alone in her apartment, I wonder if seeing her will change all that? I hope so.

I had my doubts about coming back here. Most people believe the “right” way to break-up is face to face. I don’t agree. When you’re done, you’re done, and there isn’t any right way to do it - they all suck. But I wanted to see Wendy and she wanted to see me, so here I am hoping for the best.

Reliving the memories in my head, I wonder how things changed so quickly. It was only a year ago when Wendy was pulling herself close to me in bed whispering, “I’m happy.” It was only months ago she and I were still talking of a future - together. And it seems like only yesterday when I felt the dark forces of the world that come down on good things. Wendy and I were in love and something intangible was against us. I felt it, but faced it head-on. I loved her and she loved me; nothing else mattered. I thought our love was invincible. It was all we needed. But now I know what they say is true: sometimes love isn’t enough. The dark forces, victorious.

“Did she break your heart
make you break-down.
shatter your illusions of love.”
Fleetwood Mac, Gold Dust Woman

…

Wendy came home and we talked. When she holds me, I still feel like nothing else matters. Later in the confines of her big, comfy bed I asked, “Do you still love me?” I already knew the answer, but needed to hear it. Without hesitation she answered, “yes I do.” Somehow that seems to make everything alright.

Love is eternal. It fades, but never dies. It lives on forever in your memories and in your heart.

12/29

I spent hours awake in bed this morning, protected from the winter’s cold by a thick quilt and Wendy’s warmth. I’m coming to grip with the inevitable end. A part of me actually looks forward to it.

Wendy and I have shared a life for two years, but now it’s time for each of us to go our own way – two separate paths, two separate lives. Life is too short for regrets. Life is for the living. Relish it.

It is time for me to go home and pursue all those goals I put on hold to be with Wendy. It’s time to chase other dreams.

Tags: journal

Ice Bergin'

It was Jack's idea: to go out on the ice. He made it from the warmth of his office cubicle earlier in the day, but now it was night and we had a taste of the biting winter winds; the kind that pierce through everything - through the multiple layers of clothes, beyond the thin layer of protective skin, past all the layers of organs and muscles that make-up the human body - and finally sink their teeth into your bones. We were now sitting in the warmth of Jack's basement drinking a couple beers. Fear, complacency, and doubt were setting in on us. But we really had no choice. There were witnesses to our plans of bravado. When we told Jack's ex-wife and kids, they looked at as us and shook their heads as if we were crazy. This would give most people reason to pause and reassess. It gave Jack and I strength, motivation. We couldn't back out now and we knew it.

We started rummaging through Jack's snowboarding clothes. Jack ended-up with a puffy blue snowsuit, heavy boots (very important), gloves, and a dark green hat. I was clad in the necessary boots and gloves, plus blue snow-pants, a red white and blue coat, and a red and white hat that made me think of Spiderman. We packed our 40 ouncers of beer and a freshly rolled spliff into my backpack, and were ready to face the winter night from the frozen surface of Lake St. Clair.

Freezing temperatures aren't so bad when properly prepared. Two items are mandatory: the proper clothing and the right state of mind. Mind altering substances are optional. We had it all as we made our way toward the lake. We were surprised how much of it wasn't frozen yet. The cover of ice reached from the shore and ended perhaps 100 yards out - everything but the exposed water covered in a good 6 inches of snow. The air was fresh, cold-filtered.

At first we were cautious - walking softly, avoiding anything that looked out of the ordinary, and staying away from the edge of the ice. But that didn't last long. We quickly gained confidence and were soon out on the edge looking out over the smooth black water. It was dotted with little islands of snow and ice as far as the eye could see - gorgeous. I thought of Antartica - nothing but, snow, ice, water, and the starless sky.

We moved back a little toward the safety of the shore to drink from our 40 ouncers and smoke a little. That accomplished we laid on our backs and looked up to the purplish-black sky. Jack was talking about something, but I just wanted to listen to the Arctic winds, "Shhhh. Let's see if we can go one minute without talking."
"OK," Jack agreed. A mere ten seconds passed, "Wow, this is awesome."
"Damn Jack, can't you be quiet for just one minute."
We tried again. 20 seconds passed. "We're the only ones out here."
"You just can't do it can you? Go one minute without talking."
After a minute of sweet silence, Jack said "Let's try three minutes." Apparently he was starting to appreciate the sound of the winds too. Three minutes later it was time for another swig of beer. Beer was soon followed by action, as it often is with Jack and I. We were rolling around in the snow, doing flips, and wrestling just like kids - you are what you feel.

Action was followed by more action. We were off for some exploring. With our newly gained confidence, we walked back out toward the edge and hopped on a big, freshly berged ice berg. We looked out over the water for some time. "Wow. Nobody's out here but us." "Nope." Desolation can bring a sense of fear and loneliness, but it can also bring a feeling of peace you'll never understand until you've stood out in the open spaces of the desert or from atop a frozen lake, with nobody around, but you, maybe a good friend, and the beauty of the Earth. Sweet, sweet silence.

"I'm going to lie down here," Jack said as he reclined in the snow. Looked like a good idea to me. The wind and solitude brought a sense of comfort that washed over everything. We laid there for an unconscious amount of time.

I was brought back to Earth by a soft bump. "Did you feel that," I asked Jack.
"No."
"Just wait."
Then there was another. "I felt that," he said. The ice bergs were starting to bump into each other (including the one we were on). We continued to lay there for awhile appreciating the movement of the gentle waves. When we got up, we noticed another chunk of ice had broken off. We were now two full bergs away from the main ice. We momentarily looked at each other, then quickly scrambled across the ice bergs to safety. From there we turned around and watched the big chunks of ice move with the waves. We began to understand their strength, gain confidence, and trust our intuition. The bergs were calling to us. No more time for laying around and exploring the subconscious depths of man and Earth. Now was the time for some berg hopping.

Jack was first, jumping from berg to berg. I followed. He was soon ready to push the limits even further. We had been crossing bergs where two meet - hurdling over one crack, running to the crack on the other side, and hurdling again. But there was a place where three met together - a trifecta. Jack wanted it. "I don't know Jack. That one looks a little iffy to me. I really don't want to be pulling your ass out of the water."
Jack thought about it a few moments then changed his mind, "Well if you have a bad feeling about it, I'll trust your intuition."
That's what the whole evening was about: trusting intuition.

Minutes later, he noticed something. "Isn't that the one we were laying on," he said pointing to a berg with a new a crack right down the middle. "Yep. Good thing we got off." We decided to make our way back home. Along the way we saw our tracks in the snow from the way we entered. There was a big crack right down the middle. The ice was breaking-up on us. Definitely, time to return to land.

We hung out in Jack's basement for awhile, but it was 4AM and I had a long walk ahead of me. We said our good-byes and I started the hour long journey home. I've done it many times. It starts with the old, brick homes of Main Street New Baltimore, Main Street USA; sometimes follows with me leaving an empty beer bottle in front of my old friend Jimmy's house - "Wes was here!"; crosses through the woods of my wild youth; and ends with row after row of quiet streets and rectangular trailers.

Once home, I crawled under my thick blankets and reflected on the evening. A feeling of excitement and content ran through me. These are the kinds of evenings that make life worthwhile. I thought to myself, "if I died tonight, I'd die a happy man."

Tags: journal, adventure

Ho, ho, ho

I'm home for the holidays - the place of my birth, my rebelious youth, and a fundamental part of who I am: the Detroit area. Go Pistons!

We're getting lot's of snow this year. My mom keeps joking that it's my fault, because I wished for it. I wish for snow every year. My prayers usually go ignored, but this year they've been answered with interest. My mom said she's low on money, so I should use my obvious influence to help her with that. I'll do what I can.

I wrote this today in honor of, what else, snow:

Snow is a blessing
born among the heavens and lofty gods
destined for a graceful fall - a fall from grace

Snow renews
ugliness becomes beauty
earthly scars are healed
and man is absolved for his sins

Snow brings warmth
the world coated in reassuring silence
everything glittering in a crystaline blanket of white
insulation from the cold lies we tell each other on bitter nights

Snow brings universal truth
(the opposite of worldly knowledge)
cherish it
for tomorrow it will be gone
gods die and heavens change
but truth lives on:
beauty is inherent in all things.

Tags: journal, poetry

In My Defense

I'm an environmentalist. No, I'm not one of the millions of people that considers himself an environmentalist just because he cares about the environment, but doesn't actually make any decisions based on its well-being. I actually do something about it. And I'm not one of the millions that calls himself an environmentalist just because he gives a yearly donation of $30 to a mainstream environmental group like the Sierra Club or National Resource Defense Council. I'm an environmentalist because I believe that we're destroying the planet and I live my life accordingly. This gets me in a lot of disagreements with people - especially those that are the closest to me and have to deal with me up-front. Many people would call my views and lifestyle extreme, and they have. Am I extreme?

The premise of my views on the environment is that humans are destroying the planet. Many people would agree with me on this (including most biologists, zoologists, meteorologists, etc). So, I won't bore you with the depressing statistics. But let's consider why the planet is being destroyed - because humans are consuming too much. And why do we consume too much? Because our society promotes it economically, politically, and culturally.

Economics

Our economic system is based on the premise that economic growth is good, and no limits to this growth are suggested. The assumption is that infinite growth is not only possible, but also a benefit to mankind. Unfortunately for us, and the planet Earth, that premise and assumption do not reflect reality. In reality, the economic system is limited by the world's ecosystem. It depends on the ecosystem for inputs (resources) and output (waste). The economic system is a subsystem of the ecosystem. It exists within it. As the economic system expands, the amount of the ecosystem devoted to it expands. As that happens, the amount of the ecosystem devoted to other things (such as plants, animals, and maintaining its own health) decreases. In other words, economic growth is destroying our planet's plant and animal diversity and our planet's ability to take care of itself. Economic growth is destroying our planet and a dead planet is not good for mankind.

Politics

Politics are controlled by economics which I've already discussed.

Culture

We live in a consumer based culture which is also heavily influenced by the economy and money. The average person spends most of his time working (making money) and spending money (shopping, vacationing, driving, eating, - it all takes money in today's society). Advertising (which tells people how to spend their money) is everywhere: radio, TV, magazines, billboards, in the schools (see Channel One), on the sides of buses, in museums ("This display was sponsored by Shell"), and even in our national parks. People with lots of money are admired. People without it are looked down on and discriminated against. I think it is safe to say that more time and energy is placed on our roles as consumers than as citizens responsible to our fellow man and the planet Earth. Consider this (sorry, you sill need to scroll down a bit):

Annual Expenditure On Luxury Items vs. Funding Needed To Meet Basic Needs
Product	Annual Expenditure	Social or Economic Goal	Additional Annual Investment Needed to Achieve Goal
Makeup	$18 billion	Reproductive health care for all women	$12 billion
Pet food in Europe and United States	$17 billion	Elimination of hunger and malnutrition	$19 billion
Perfumes	$15 billion	Universal literacy	$5 billion
Ocean cruises	$14 billion	Clean drinking water for all	$10 billion
Ice cream in Europe	$11 billion	Immunizing every child	$1.3 billion

Me and My Lifestyle

So, those are my extreme environmental (and social) views. I don't like our current economic system. I believe it is killing our planet. And I'm not a big fan of a culture that promotes the acquisition of material goods (consuming more and more of the Earth's resources) over being a responsible citizen. So, how do I respond? By changing my lifestyle to give as little support to them [the economy and culture] as possible.

Money is the fuel of the economic system. The more money spent, the more the economic system grows, and the more damage it does to the environment. The amount of money you spend is in direct correlation to the amount of the Earth's resources you consume. So, I refuse to buy new clothes. I buy used ones (eventhough I have a hard time finding anything that fits me well). I don't eat out a lot, and when I do, I prefer cheaper places. I don't want to buy a home and I don't own a car. I struggle with each purchasing decision. I recognize that each time I spend a dollar it creates an impact throughout the world. I weigh all the pros and cons: how much packaging does the product have, will the packaging break-down easily when thrown away, how was the product made, can I find it used, do I really need it in the first place, was it produced in a sweatshop, was it made locally? And that's how buying something should be. It is a very important decision. It may not seem like it, but the cumulative effects of one person's purchasing decisions combined over his/her lifetime, combined with the lifetimes of all the other people in the world has more influence on our world than anything else... Anything!!!

Our socio-political-economic system promotes unfettered consumption. It relegates its citizens to consumers with all their needs and desires bought and sold on the open market. It promotes a philosophy of selfishness and greed - don't worry about the consequences of your actions; if you want something and can afford it, you deserve it; buy it. I don't think this system is good for the Earth or good for mankind, and I live my life accordingly. If that makes me extreme, we truly have lost all hope.

Tags: economics, politics, environment

Is Economic Development Good for Human Health?

In today's society, economic development rules supreme. We do not question it and we do not consider the costs. According to the World Health Organization, diseases such as SARS and the bird flu can be linked to the destruction of the ecosystem. Destruction of the ecosystem can be linked to economic development. Diseases such as SARS and the bird flu, and the destruction of the ecosystem are costs of today's current economic system...

Published on Friday, December 9, 2005 by Reuters
Ecosystem Changes a Threat to Human Health: WHO

BANGKOK - The rise of deadly new diseases such as SARS and bird flu could be linked to the destruction of the environment, the World Health Organization said on Friday.

"Human health is strongly linked to the health of ecosystems, which meet many of our most critical needs," Maria Neira, director of WHO's Department of Protection of the Human Environment told a news conference at the launch of a new report.

Population growth and economic development were leading to rapid changes in global ecosystems and this was affecting human health, the report said.

It said natural resources such as water, food, fuel and climate were important to prevent diseases and sustain good health as many human diseases originated in animals.

Such diseases, including influenza, tuberculosis and measles, established themselves in human populations after crossing from domesticated animal species including chickens, cattle and dogs.

"As a result of human actions, the structure and the world's ecosystems changed more rapidly in the second half of the twentieth century than at any other time in human history," the report said.

About 60 percent of the benefits that the global systems provided to support life on Earth were being degraded and used substantially, said the report, which involved more than 1,300 experts worldwide. Harmful consequences to human health were being felt and could grow significantly worse over the next 50 years, it said.

Pressure on the environment could have unpredictable and potentially severe future impacts on health, the WHO said. It said regions facing the greatest risks included sub-Sahara Africa, Central Asia, parts of Latin America and parts of South and Southeast Asia.

"For the poor people, they might represent the problem in terms of food production, in particular, drought and flooding. And the problem is increasing," Neira said.

The report said some of the most serious problems included nutrition as degradation of fish stocks and farmland were factors in the malnutrition of some 800 million people around the world -- nearly all of them in poor countries.

Water-associated infectious diseases claimed 3.2 million lives each year, about 6 percent of all deaths, the report said.

Yet more than 1 billion people lacked access to safe water supplies and 2.6 billion lackedadequate sanitation, it said.

© Reuters 2005

Tags: economics, health, bird flu, SARS

Cinco de Mayo

An old journal entry.....

We were waiting for the light to change when the police car pulled directly behind us. It was at this point my friend informed me that her truck had expired tags.
"What?!? Fuck, we're getting pulled over."
"Maybe they won't," she responded with a hint of hopeful desperation.
"We have expired tags, it's 2 AM and it's Cinco de Mayo. We're getting pulled over."
Before the light ahead of us turned green, the lights behind us lit-up - rotating flashes of red and blue. We were screwed. More specifically, I was screwed. I was the one driving. I suspected that I'd be driving after I watched my friend down her 5th chocolate martini. So I didn't drink a lot, but I knew I had enough to be right around the legal limit. Damn limits.

"Can I see your driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance?"
My friend had no proof of insurance. The evening was getting better and better.
Predictably, the officer's next question was if I had anything to drink. "I had a couple." That was my next mistake (the first was assuming my friend's truck was in legal order). In today's justice system, honesty buys you nothing. Never admit guilt.
"Would you mind stepping out of the car?"
"Oh boy," I thought to myself, "here we go."

Keeping my head still, I followed his pen with my eyes, side to side. No problem. I preceded to walk a straight line - heel to toe, heel to toe, spin around completely (no steps to the side allowed), and start again in the opposite direction. I didn't do too good. The joke where the drunk driver says to the officer, "I couldn't do that sober," came to mind, but instead I said, "I hope you'll take into account that I'm nervous" - which was the truth. But he didn't take it into account. "Turn around and put your hands behind your back." I felt cold, hard steel clamped around my wrists. The police officer had a look of excitement about him, like a hunter that just bagged his first deer.

My friend felt horrible and pleaded with the him. "It was my fault. He was driving because I couldn't." I knew it was futile. The officer called in a tow truck and another police car to drive my friend home. Looked like I'd be spending an evening downtown, complements of the Portland City Police Department.

Following standard procedure (I had the feeling this guy was all about standard procedure), the officer patted me down before stuffing me into the car. "What's this?" he asked.
"The zipper on my pants is broke. I need a safety pin to keep them up."
"Oh, we're going to have to take that off."
Like I'm going to somehow remove the safety pin from my pants and pick the lock on the handcuffs. Who did this guy think I was? Harry Houdini.
So, there we were, me standing with my hands cuffed behind my back, the police officer in front of me on his knees struggling with my zipper, and all of it being witnessed by the procession of passing cars. There's got to be some time when even a police officer says, "Maybe we can let this one slide. It's not worth it." But not this guy.

With the potential for my escape safely removed, I was pushed into the backseat of the car, and hauled away to the station. A breathalizer was awaiting me there - the final say on my level of intoxication. I spent the time on the drive over in a zen like state: think sober, be sober. As we drove through the station garage, I had a strange sense of confidence. Maybe it was the adrenaline from the whole experience, maybe it was the time that had passed on the drive over, maybe it was mind over matter; whatever it was, I had a good feeling about the breathalizer.

I sat in a small room with another officer and a breathalizer. Three times he had me breath out heavy and long into the plastic tube that led to the machine that would reveal the truth, my destiny. After a moment, he spoke loudly to the other room with an irritated, impatient voice, "Fra-aaank....why did you bring this guy in? He's blowing .06." The legal limit is .08.

As Frank gave me a ride to the end of his district (I would spend the rest of the evening walking and catching the 5:30 AM bus to my friend's house from there), he said "You're lucky. Even if you blow within .02 of the limit, we can still arrest you." "Don't give me that shit," I thought, "you just don't want to admit you fucked-up - an overzealous rookie." But I just answered him with silence. We both knew the truth.

Tags: journal