Baby Tuna

I only had one serious relationship in college. Mostly it was one nighters. This one time I hooked up with a girl. I’m not even sure who she was or where she came from. I was just partying with some friends and she was there. That’s how it was back then – new people always being there.

Next thing I knew we were going at it in my room and I don’t really remember much more than that. I do remember how I felt the next day – good. Real good. Getting laid will do that to you. I remember walking around campus, feeling on top of the world, like anything was possible. But it didn’t last long.

My friends started giving me a hard time. In the dorms, there are no secrets. And once your friends have something on you, they don’t let go.

The problem was that she was only fourteen. Worse yet, she was fat. Not huge, but not thin either. That’s all it took. The comments started – “Sounds like you had a whale of a time.” Ha, ha. “Want to go to the playground and pick-up chicks?” He, he. I tried to ignore them. I figured responding would just add fuel to the fire. I figured eventually it would all die down on its own accord. And it probably would have. If it wasn’t for Randy.

Randy was the guy that lived in the room next to mine. He was pretty funny- at least until his humor was aimed at you. Then he was deadly. One day we were all in the cafeteria. I was sitting at the table where I always sat - the table where all the guys from my floor sat. It was right across from the window with the dish washer conveyer belt. That way we could watch the all girls as they came up with their trays of dirty dishes.

On this day the girls were sparse, so everyone started giving me a hard time instead. They were making the same, old jokes - “Harpoon any whales lately?” Ha, ha. “Yo, Captain Ahab.” Ho, ho. Then Randy uttered the phrase that would turn the next few months of my life into a living hell – “He’s not harpooning whales. He’s fishing for baby tuna.” The whole table started laughing. From then on it was baby tuna this, and baby tuna that. It was a curse. It followed me everywhere. I couldn’t get dates. I couldn’t eat one god damn meal without a slew of jokes being thrown out at my expense. It got so bad I started avoiding eating at the same time as everyone else.

Eventually it faded away. Randy flunked out. Last I heard he was married and managing the produce section at Safeway. And I redeemed myself with another girl. She was hanging out in our TV lounge. She was a friend of some other girls that were always hanging around. They were there on a Friday night, bored, trolling for guys. I was drunk, she looked good, she was new, she was mine.

Somehow I got her into my room. I don’t remember how, but it didn’t take long. I remember her lying on her back, sexy, with her legs spread open. I remember reaching down and ripping off her panties like a wildman. Somehow I broke her necklace. I pretty much tore at anything that was in my way. It was pure, animal lust.

The next morning I staggered out of the room, rubbing my eyes, wondering what had hit me. The guy in the room across was standing in his doorway. “Have a good night?” he asked with a big smirk on his face. How did he know?

Apparently, everyone knew. I was told her moaning echoed through the hallways all night. I was told one of the guys, Paul, crawled out onto the ledge to get a better look and I faintly remember it. He shimmied over to my window, opened it up, and poked his head in. I don’t know what he thought he was doing. Just couldn’t help himself I guess. I put my hand on his head, pushed him out, and locked the window behind him. It was crazy. We were all defenseless against the passions of youth.

The next few days the girl’s friends kept telling me how much she liked me, how much she wanted to go out with me. But I said no. It was just a one night fling. She wasn’t my type. I was a fool.

But my reputation changed after that. I was a legend. It was no longer “Baby Tuna.” It was “All Night Wes.”

That’s how it is with the masses. Memories are short and loyalty tenuous.